Circle of abuse
Sandy was an English woman in her mid fifties with many years of extreme anxiety mixed with depression. These transcripts describe the healing process once we understood that she was severely physically abused by her father. It finally seemed that Sandys life now had something to do with a life in Egypt a long time ago. The actors in this drama now had different roles, but they were still the same souls. Once again Sandy met her mother. A mother that was unable to protect and give her daughter love. What could potentially be her motive of such an inability?
I have put several sessions together in order to highlight how beautiful the Universe works, and that past karma must be settled, one way or another. Sandys abuse by her father is not unique, and far too many girls and women are severely abused by their own families. Life is really a very hard school!
I take Sandy to the light and afterlife. I ask her if possible to look for her grandfather in order to get some answers. Sandy often spoke about him.
“Can you see him”, I ask.
“Yes, he is so elegant in his suite. I can see the hole from the bullet in his neck, where he was shot during the war. He tells me that Dad loved me, and that I have to forgive him. He doesn’t want to see me full of hate. He wants to see me happy. He tells me it was his fault”, says Sandy.
”Now, go to your fathers childhood. What does your father do?”
”He’s 15 and playing with some other boys. They are bullying him. He is crying. Its not physical, only with words. They push him. When he gets home his mother ask him why he has cried, but he says that he hasn’t. His father then tell him that he shouldn’t lie to his mother. He tell him that he is going to teach him a lesson. He takes his belt off and hurts him badly in the garden. Its raining. My dad doesn’t either get food or tea. He is bleeding from his back and he feels utterly useless. His father tells him that he will never become a man. From that moment my dad hates his father.”
She continues, now describing how her grandfather is dying.
”He is in his bed on the first floor. My grandmother is by his side. Its too late to put things right. My grandfather wants to see his son, but my father refuse to go and see him. My grandfather regrets all hate. Its from the war. His best friend was blown up in pieces in front of him. After that my grandfather used people. He had so much hate. He killed people during the war, and he loved what he was doing. He regrets that deeply. He really wants to see his wife and son, and that they forgive him. My father never went for the funeral. My grandmother is crying, and just like his sister, she want him to go. But he says no.”
“Does he think that you are doing the right thing now by trying to get answers”, I asked.
“Yes, finally it was right, he says. Nobody would listen. He says that it’s time to leave all that behind. He tells me that he can see me happy again”, she says.
”Do you have any guide”, I ask Sandy.
”Someone called Angelica”.
”Ask her why you had to suffer”, I ask..
”I didn’t choose myself. My father did that. He had a terrible headache. Then he did horrible things. He completely lost his mind”, she said.
”How many lives have you lived”, I ask.
”This is my second life. During my first life in Egypt many years ago, I was a Queen”.
”How big is the chance that you encounter a former Queen from Egypt. Not very big. Probably wishful thinking”, I thought.
”Why I haven’t you been reborn between these two lives?”
”I didn’t want to”, she said.”
””Which year did you live in Egypt?”
”1104, but I’m not sure”, she said.
”How did you die?”
”My husband killed me. He cut my head off.”
”How old were you?”
”30 when he killed me”, she said.
”Did you have any children?”
”Look through the eyes of your husband in that life! Is it anybody you know from this life?”
”No, I have never seen him.”
”What do you see in Egypt”, I asked.
”And what did you do in afterlife after your died in Egypt?”
”I was sitting in a garden and watching different people”, she said.
”Why did you come back to this particular life now?”
”Punishment! Because of all I did. It was terrible. I killed another woman. She was horrible, but more beautiful than me. Oooh, she was my mother”, said Sandy while sighing deeply.
”What have you learned about hate”, I asked..
”Yes, that’s why she has always hated me. She doesn’t know, but I don’t know how. It’s too late to do anything now.”
”Is it important to forgive her?”
”No, I can’t do anything”, Sandy answered confident without a trace of doubt..
”Sandy! Does suffering have a reason?”
”Yes, I have to forgive him. I feel warm. I love him so much. I wish I could have told him all this. Angelica walks away”, she finished.
During another important session we worked on the trauma.
”Ohhh, my father comes in to my bedroom. He is dragging me by my hair in to his bedroom, and tears my nightdress apart. He threatens to beat me up if I make any noise. He tells me that if I get any marks on my back, it’s because I’ve been fighting with my sister. Ohhh, I can’t think. I am completely naked. I am crying”, Sandy said while she was twisting and turning on the couch.
”Does he ask you to take his thing in your mouth”, I ask.
”No, he puts it in to my bum. Ohh, its so painful. So terribly painful. I am screaming and my sister stands behind the door and wonder what’s happening”
”Where is your mother?”
”She is away shopping every Saturday with her mother”.
”What does your father do when he is ready” I ask Sandy cautiously..
”He takes me back to my bedroom. My body aches. I don’t move on my bed . I hate her”.
”My father wants me to take a bath.. My sister helps me. I can’t sit and I am on my knees.. Blood is coming in to the bath. Then I go back to my bedroom”, she says.
”How often does this terrible thing happen to you” I ask.
”Every Saturday. Every Saturday when Mum is away shopping”.
”What does your father do then”?
”He buys sweets, but I throw it away”, she says.
I help Sandy to rest in the healing light. After a very long silence she tells me that she isn’t going to be alone.
“Maureen is here”, she says.
“Who is that”, I ask.
”She is my father’s sister. She tells me that she always knew what he was doing. Maureen is with her son now. She is so happy. She is dancing with her son.”
”What clothes does she wear”, I ask..
“A long black skirt with orange and many holes.”
”Ask her why you had to suffer so much” I asked.
”She tells me that the reason was my mother, and that her brother was sexually mad. She tells me that my mother never wanted to have sex.. When I was born my father cared for me. She tells me that he was like a mother to me. And then my mother turned against him. My mother was very stubborn. She never cared about me”, Sandy said.
”Sandy! I will now take you in to your parents’ bedroom. They will neither hear or see you, because you are invisible. You will then be able to hear what they talk about”, I said
”They wonder why I am so wicked.. Mum says that I don’t do anything at home. Dad says that he loves me more than anything in the whole world. I can see anger in my mother’s eyes when he says that. He talks all the time and tell her that he wants me to grow up, so he can keep me all on his own. He tells her that he wants a child with me, and that he wants to hide me away from the world for ever if he can’t keep me as his own.”
“Mum says that he is mad, and she push him away when he gets close to her. She cries. She ask him if he is kidding, but he says no.”
Sandy speaks for a long time without a hint of hesitation. It is as all these years of anxiety and anger is no surfacing in full power. Despite some disgusting details, she continues to describe her parents with a calm voice.
”Why does he do this? Can you detect any emotions from him”, I ask.
”It is something inside him. He is completely obsessed of getting married to me. He is planning to kill me if I marry someone else.”
”Sandy, can you detect where all your guilt is coming from”, I ask.
”Yes, from my mother. She never thought this could happen. He never gets to cuddle her”:
”And she doesn’t want to leave him?”
”No, she loves him so much. He takes what he wants.. He force himself on her……..You are mine, , he says. I take what I want”.
”It was his way of showing love. He realise now that he was wrong. Its natural that he suffers. He
was wrong. But he looks after my daughter due to that…..”
”If you could forgive him Sandy, what would he do then?”
”He could go to a door leading in to a garden.”
”Why can’t this door be open anyway”, I ask.
”Nobody is there. The door will open itself. It knows. It doesn’t open if you have been evil. Liza can go through on her own. If he leaves, she will go to”, Sandy said.
”Liza is the child we should have had together. It is his fault that she died. He wanted her to leave. He never took a rest. He can’t let me go. He is still obsessed of me.”
”Are you saying that he can’t leave you from after-life”, I now ask slightly concerned.
”No, he can’t. He tries. He is scared and wants me to forgive him. He understands and he can see Liza's happiness”
”Is he prepared to pay the price and let you go?”
”He’s not sure. He’s walking towards the door. If he can walk through the door, he can let go. He wants to try. Maureen is waiting behind the door. She can walk through. She can hear him, but not reach him”, Sandy said.
Before the last session started Sandy said:
“I forgave him last week. I love him. It made me feel so warm. A strange feeling. He is at peace now. I saw his face. Before it was a mask. He is not in front of the door any longer. He’s gone”, said Sandy in one long monolog.
”What do you see?”
”I can see my dad. He is in a chair.”
”Does he know that you have forgiven him?”
”Yes. It’s time to give him the key now. I put it in his hand. He get’s out of the chair and walks towards the door. He really wished this to happen. He’s waving ready to leave. Liza is leaving too, and she is holding his hand. They turn around. They open the door. They have been waiting for me, really wishing this to happen.. I love him. They close the door. I say goodbye to Liza. The door has closed. He’s gone!”
”Are you sad
”No, happy, Sandy said”.
Tomb 359 of Inherkhau, who was part of the sheltered community of elite craftsmen
at Deir el-Medina under both Ramesses III and Ramesses IV in the 20th Dynasty.